lately i've been thinking a lot about body image - a few days ago i found a non-so-old picture of myself where i was a good 30 lbs lighter than i am now. my first thought, when seeing this picture, was "wow - i looked SO beautiful. i hate that i don't look like that any more." and then i stopped to think - why? why was my first inclination, seeing that thin picture of myself, to be envious and hateful?
living in america, we are constantly confronted with the media telling us that to be a beautiful woman, we must fit a certain image. we must be tall (but not too tall!), thin and in shape (but not too muscular!), have beautiful shiny hair (but only on the head - anywhere else is considered "unfeminine"), flawless and tanned skin, and attractive, feminine features. our bodies should be curvy (but not too curvy!) and our legs should be long and thin.
i am only 5'2". i am at least 30 lbs over a truly healthy weight for my height. sometimes i forget to shave my legs. i have acne on my less-than-delicate facial features. i have broad shoulders and a large chest. i lack a defined waist or hips even when i am at a healthy weight. my legs are short and muscular. by these standards that our culture sets, i am incredibly ugly.
why do i feel the need to conform to these cultural standards when it is impossible to attain all of them without the aid of plastic surgery or photoshop? why, when i look in the mirror, do i see the flab, the blemishes, the bump on the bridge of my nose? how have i gotten myself in this deep? when i was a little girl, i was too busy playing - it didn't matter in the slightest how i looked. but as i got older, society started to tell me that i needed to be careful - or i might be fat. be careful, or my face might not be perfectly smooth. be careful - or i might not look like those beautiful, plastic women on the covers of magazines. i was drowning in bullshit and didn't even notice it.
i hate that when i see pictures of myself when i'm thinner, when i see those impossibly skinny women on magazine covers, that it makes me hate myself. i am so frustrated that my own perception of myself as it should be - a beautiful and loved daughter of God created in His image - is tainted by this disgust for my perceived physical imperfections.
my first inclination tells me i'm shallow for caring so much about my appearance, but it goes much deeper than that. this belongs in the realm of self worth, of self control. why, as women, do we do this to ourselves? i used to tell myself, "it's a choice. i can choose to have good self esteem. i can choose to feel beautiful in my own skin." but now i don't know if i believe that anymore. i have tried for years to make that "choice" - to convince myself that my body is beautiful, regardless of my weight. but right now, i am tired of trying. even when i was at a truly healthy weight, i still felt ugly - no matter what i told myself - because society continued to whisper (and i continued to listen) that there was still something "wrong" with my appearance.
so i wonder if we really do have a choice - when we are surrounded by a culture that is screaming at us from every side to lose weight, to fix your skin, to fix your hair, to fix your face. how do we make that choice? how do we overcome years of conscious and subconscious brainwashing to be able to look at our God-given faces in the mirror and say "i am created in God's image" and feel good about it?
my favorite website, right now, is called theshapeofamother.com, where women take photos of their bodies to celebrate what God gave them - distorted by childbirth, scars, stretch marks, and cellulite. they bravely show their bodies pre-, during, and post-pregnancy. it is beautiful to see women celebrating their natural form without photoshop.. there is nudity on the site, but i have yet to see a photo that is erotic or remotely inappropriate.
i know there are so many women that can relate to my feelings... and so many that cannot. to those that can, i'm sorry that you have to feel this way too. i hope you find confidence and control sooner than i do so you can teach me where to find it.
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7 comments:
Oh, I just love you Kathryn! Too many thoughts and feelings to post about this subject...but I just love you.
i have actually been thinking about this a lot lately. just because since i had emma my body has done a lot of changing. its been really frustrating like you said to look at myself and be like EHHHH. stretch marks all over and such. but the best part of it all is, no matter how frustrated i get about myself my husband is still so supportive. he still tells me im beautiful and the changes dont bother him. he's always telling me its just fine, it makes me more beautiful to be able to say im a mom and i love my child. it's really sweet and it helps me to see that really... who cares about the changes on my body, my life is what it should be, with emma here. anyway, sorry to let it all out. but i agree with you.
thanks haylee - ditto. xo. :) jenny-o: i relate... the only thing that keeps me from being totally miserable is that chris loves me no matter what - and does whatever he can to help me feel beautiful and sexy no matter how squishy my belly is. :) i'm excited to have children, because i think that i will be able to come to grips with having an imperfect body because i can say "well, i have stretch marks and loose skin and vericose veins... but look what my body grew inside of it for the last 40 weeks. beat THAT, stupid-photoshopped-models-who-are-too-anorexic-to-ever-grow-a-human." :)
exactly :D
I have always considered you one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, honestly that is how I describe you to many people and they have all agreed. It's funny that you bring this up because I recently had a conversation with my doctor about a 17 year old who weighed 150 and was 5'4" and wanted diet pills. I couldn't believe when he gave them to her because I don't feel she needed them. Basically he ended up saying that we both were obese! I have been feeling a little poorly about myself too and it's good to know I am not alone. But I feel I am in the company of beautiful people. Remember we are working to be Goddesses thats a lot better than models!
Thanks, Kathryn! My self-image is changing as rapidly as my hormones right now, and it's good to hear your poignant thoughts. If you find a solution, let me know! Confession: I was always slightly, shall we say, jealous, of your beauty--just FYI.
Kathryn, it is so true what you say about the obsession with fixing something about your appearance (lose 30 lbs.), but then you know it would make some other undesirable feature become the new obsession. I think that if we could, we'd systematically chew ourselves up until there was nothing original left.
Thanks for the brutal honesty that's not always part of the blogosphere. When someone with your beauty admits to a struggle with this vicious self-image crisis, it makes me believe that nearly all of us do. I wish we could see what others (especially our Heavenly Father) see in us.
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