frustrated.

lately i've been thinking a lot about body image - a few days ago i found a non-so-old picture of myself where i was a good 30 lbs lighter than i am now. my first thought, when seeing this picture, was "wow - i looked SO beautiful. i hate that i don't look like that any more." and then i stopped to think - why? why was my first inclination, seeing that thin picture of myself, to be envious and hateful?

living in america, we are constantly confronted with the media telling us that to be a beautiful woman, we must fit a certain image. we must be tall (but not too tall!), thin and in shape (but not too muscular!), have beautiful shiny hair (but only on the head - anywhere else is considered "unfeminine"), flawless and tanned skin, and attractive, feminine features. our bodies should be curvy (but not too curvy!) and our legs should be long and thin.

i am only 5'2". i am at least 30 lbs over a truly healthy weight for my height. sometimes i forget to shave my legs. i have acne on my less-than-delicate facial features. i have broad shoulders and a large chest. i lack a defined waist or hips even when i am at a healthy weight. my legs are short and muscular. by these standards that our culture sets, i am incredibly ugly.

why do i feel the need to conform to these cultural standards when it is impossible to attain all of them without the aid of plastic surgery or photoshop? why, when i look in the mirror, do i see the flab, the blemishes, the bump on the bridge of my nose? how have i gotten myself in this deep? when i was a little girl, i was too busy playing - it didn't matter in the slightest how i looked. but as i got older, society started to tell me that i needed to be careful - or i might be fat. be careful, or my face might not be perfectly smooth. be careful - or i might not look like those beautiful, plastic women on the covers of magazines. i was drowning in bullshit and didn't even notice it.

i hate that when i see pictures of myself when i'm thinner, when i see those impossibly skinny women on magazine covers, that it makes me hate myself. i am so frustrated that my own perception of myself as it should be - a beautiful and loved daughter of God created in His image - is tainted by this disgust for my perceived physical imperfections.

my first inclination tells me i'm shallow for caring so much about my appearance, but it goes much deeper than that. this belongs in the realm of self worth, of self control. why, as women, do we do this to ourselves? i used to tell myself, "it's a choice. i can choose to have good self esteem. i can choose to feel beautiful in my own skin." but now i don't know if i believe that anymore. i have tried for years to make that "choice" - to convince myself that my body is beautiful, regardless of my weight. but right now, i am tired of trying. even when i was at a truly healthy weight, i still felt ugly - no matter what i told myself - because society continued to whisper (and i continued to listen) that there was still something "wrong" with my appearance.

so i wonder if we really do have a choice - when we are surrounded by a culture that is screaming at us from every side to lose weight, to fix your skin, to fix your hair, to fix your face. how do we make that choice? how do we overcome years of conscious and subconscious brainwashing to be able to look at our God-given faces in the mirror and say "i am created in God's image" and feel good about it?

my favorite website, right now, is called theshapeofamother.com, where women take photos of their bodies to celebrate what God gave them - distorted by childbirth, scars, stretch marks, and cellulite. they bravely show their bodies pre-, during, and post-pregnancy. it is beautiful to see women celebrating their natural form without photoshop.. there is nudity on the site, but i have yet to see a photo that is erotic or remotely inappropriate.

i know there are so many women that can relate to my feelings... and so many that cannot. to those that can, i'm sorry that you have to feel this way too. i hope you find confidence and control sooner than i do so you can teach me where to find it.

latest photo shoot... whew!

Well, we got home at about 11pm last night from my very first official, paying wedding... and WHEW. I'm pretty sure I'm dead. I was on my feet for nearly all of the 8 hours I was there, and took almost 3,000 pictures!!!! Crazy, eh? Chris was nice enough to come with me as my assistant/associate photographer - he was nervous to take pictures too (we had two cameras there), but did a great job!

This wedding was in Jackson Hole at the top of one of Snow King's ski lifts - it was really incredibly beautiful. I haven't even LOOKED AT all of the pictures yet (maybe a third of them!), much less edited them, but I wanted to post two that I've seen thus far of which I am particularly proud! The first I took on the way down from the wedding - we had the bride and groom behind us, and I just managed to snap this quick photo that actually turned out really cool!



The second is at the top of the lift shortly after the ceremony - you can see the gorgeous view of Jackson and the Tetons. :) (I know it's kind of light... hasn't been edited at all yet)